Some more outstanding journalism from Oisin Carr ahead of this weekend’s games in Hanoi.
“I GO TO CHURCH EVERY GODDAM SUNDAY” – Frank Haltom
When : Saturday, December 11th from 9.15am, Games commence at 10am
Where : The National Sports Training Centre, Tu Liem, Hanoi
We have a special treat for this weeks’ GAAAFL preview, as we sat down with some of the top players from each team to gain insight into the mindset of each squad going into the second installment of AFL games. Footballing ability aside, the mental stability of some of these players and their ability to cope with the pressures of the GAAAFL tournament must be called into question. Read on and see for yourselves.
10am – Buffalos VS Langurs (Mens)
O: Callum Maxwell of the Buffalos and Aleks Leitmanis of the Langurs, thank you both very much for joining me.
Callum: G’day, mate!
Aleks: How ya’ goin’!
O: Aleks and Callum – friends, business partners, fellow Aussies. All that goes out the window when the whistle blows on Saturday, but is it fair to say that you two enjoy a great camaraderie with each other off the pitch?
Callum: We’re thick as thieves, mate!
Aleks: Flippin’ oath!
O: That’s great to hear.
Callum: Well, we did have a bit of a fallin’ out a few months back. Ali and I were playing a bit of Knifey-Spooney and things went a bit topsy-turvy! Remember that Ali?
Aleks: That was a Friday arvo’ as I recall!
Callum: Flippin’ oath it was mate! Bloody good memory on this bloke.
Aleks: Cheers mate!
Callum: Yeah-nah, we just went down the pub the following arvo’ and sorted it all out. Water under the bridge.
Aleks: I thought his bloody knife was a spoon!
Callum: Ha! Silly bloke isn’t he!
O: Outstanding. Regardless of the outcome this weekend between the Buffs and the Langurs, do you think your friendship will hold strong?
Callum: Absolutely. Two peas in a pod here!
Aleks: Flippin’ oath!
O: Do you share such a strong friendship with any other Aussies in the club?
Callum: Well, yeah! And… nah…
O: Really? Please explain.
Callum: Some of the blokes are alright, like Pottsy and Toddy.
Aleks: Good blokes, they are.
Callum: Yeah, but…
Aleks: It’s those other blokes.
Callum: Yeah, we’re not too fond of some of those other blokes, are we Ali?
O: Who exactly are you referring to?
Callum: Well… Some of them blokes from the Crabs aren’t so nice. Andy and Malone, guys like that. They give us a bad touch sometimes don’t they Ali?
Aleks: Some of the Herons boys too…
Callum: Ah yeah, Herons too. Jake and Phil, the whole lot to be honest.
Aleks: Yeah, all those blokes.
O: What do they do?
Callum: You know… Calling us names and that.
Aleks: Yeah, mean names.
O: I’m sorry to hear that.
Callum: Jason said we’ll never amount to anything because I’m a Buff and Ali’s a Langur. I know he has a point about me because I’m a Buffalo, but I thought what he said about Ali was bang out of order.
Aleks: Flippin’ oath…
Callum: I know neither of us have won a game all year, but we won’t let our lives here be defined by some football tournament, will we Ali?
Aleks: I don’t know anymore…
Callum: Yeah… Me neither…
O: Who do you think will win on Saturday, Buffalos or Langurs?
Callum: Who cares…
Aleks: …*sobs uncontrollably*…
[We concluded our interview here. These are tough times for the Langurs and Buffalos men’s teams, spirits are certainly low. Let’s hope one of these teams can taste victory on Saturday. Langurs by 15!]
11am – Herons VS Crabs (Mens)
O: Stephen Faughnan of the Herons and Frank Haltom of the Crabs, it’s great to have you both in the studio.
Stephen: Thank you so much, I am DE-lighted to be here.
Frank: Hoooooo-ey! I’m a-hankerin’ to give a spankerin’ to those Herons this weekend! Crab Nation baby, yeeeeee-haw!
Stephen: Put a sock in it Frank!
Frank: What in tarnation are you sayin’ boy?
O: Settle down boys, save it for the big game.
Frank: Darn-tootin’, that feller’s all hat and no cattle.
Stephen: Hey! I am not…
O: Frank, you’ve said before that, “If someone cut me open, I would bleed the cold blood of a crab.” Is this statement justified?
Frank: Ain’t you listenin’ to me ya liberal yahoo? I’ve said it before, I’ll say it one more time for y’all. I am the president of the great Crab Nation, greatest nation in the world after the U-S of A. I ain’t one to go spinnin’ tall tales, but I could not love my own child more than I love the Cau Giay Crabs.
O: That’s interesting. Looking at the team sheet from the GAA games two weeks ago, I see that your name was a notable omission from the Crabs squad.
Frank: … Pump your brakes there boy. You watch your goddam mouth.
Stephen: Oh snap!
O: Where were you, Frank?
Frank: I am sick and tired of all you freedom-hatin’ yuppies tellin’ me how to live my life!
Stephen: Takes one to know one!
O: Stephen, enough!
Frank: I have heard just about enough; I’m fixin’ to bring a whole world of pain on y’all. You’re gonna be sorry you messed with Frank the Tank!
O: Calm down, Frank! Somebody call security-
Frank: Where’s my wife? Darlene! Hey Darlene! Get my goddam gun! What? I don’t know- It’s in the trunk woman! There it is, thanks darlin’ … Alright-alright you damn dirty heathens; I go to church every goddam Sunday! You boys wanna bring the demons outta me? Yeeeee-haw!
[This interview had to be cut short due to an unrelated shooting incident at GAAAFL headquarters. Let’s see if Frank the Tank gets this fired up for Saturday’s big match. On Frank’s passion alone, it’s hard to see past a Crabs victory – Crabs by 10].
12pm – Crabs/Herons VS Langurs/Buffalos (Ladies)
O: Jardi Skein of the Crarons and Ashley Abrahams of the Langalos, it’s a pleasure to talk to you both today.
Jardi: The pleasure is all mine, tee-hee!
Ashley: Oh noooo, I left my foundation in the Chevy! Is this gonna be on TV?
O: What is the atmosphere like in the Crarons and Langalos camps before the big game this weekend?
Jardi: Giiiirl, your hair is lekker!
Ashley: Thaaanks, got it done yesterday.
Jardi: I wanted to get highlights before the weekend, but I maxed out my credit card, ugh sadface.
Ashley: Hellooo, earth to Jardi? It’s half price on Thursdays.
Jardi: Shut the front door!
O: What do you think about the state of Gaelic Football and AFL in Asia currently?
Ashley: Did you meet Brad on Friday?
Jardi: Ugh no, he stood me up again.
Ashley: I heard he took Tiffany out to the creek and they were making out for hours.
Jardi: But Tiffany is going out with Chase!
Ashley: Not anymore she’s not.
O: What are your thoughts on how we can improve any aspect of the games in Vietnam – really build it up from the grassroots?
Jardi: OMG did you see Cassandra at the prom?
Ashley: Trent was all over her and Britney was standing right there!
Jardi: Men are such trash.
Ashley: Just because he’s captain of the football team he thinks he can do what he wants.
Jardi: He’s got a cute butt though, right?
Ashley: Eeeeek, you’re so bad!
O: Crarons or Langalos to win this weekend?
Jardi: Gimme a C! Gimme an R! Gimme an A!
Ashley: Let’s go Langalos, let’s go!
O: Thank you for your time.
[Not much in the way of sporting insight, but I don’t know what else I expected from Jardi and Ashley. My bad. Let’s say Langalos by 20].
Get down and catch the action from 10am. Players and spectators to arrive from 9.15am. Everyone welcome!