The Controversial Rocket writes the Saigon Grand Final Match review.

The Rocket is Saigon’s umpire. Below is the Rocket’s rant, which he self describes as Rocket’s Rave, on last weekend’s 2012 Saigon Grand Final Match Report, 1st December, 2012. Tu Cuc University, National Sports University Stadium. Arguably, this is teh most controversial match review to have ever been posted on thevietnamswans.com

While this was not a match worth crawling over broken glass through the rat-infested sewers of New York to see (which explains the absence of a huge crowd at Tu Duc), it was nonetheless a grand final – and it had an edge to it.

The parameters were set in the first minute of play when “Bustling” Billy Crang unloaded a Whites player after he’d kicked the ball and then had the indignity of a 50 m penalty. Billy proclaimed that the next time that he buys real estate he’ll get the umpire to do it for him!

Players of both teams were fully committed to winning and attacked the ball like it was the elixir of life. The desire shown by both teams to get the ball was greater than a Bo Derek strip show at San Quentin. Yes, it’s a retro-report! Get Wikipedia on your screen!

The Reds dominated proceedings like a hippo in a goldfish bowl from the outset with Dukesy in superlative form. He won more hard balls than a brass monkey in a Siberian swimming pool in the middle of winter to pump the ball forward where the Reds had loose men everywhere – a similar tactic to that employed in D 1 on Friday nights!

Save for defenders Phil Ghasseb and Tra Vy in defence, who were both busier than beavers in a tooth pick factory, the Whites were being completely dominated despite Tra Vy’s effort to barely let an emission of wind pass.

The second quarter was a replica of the first with the Reds standing out like daffodils in a pile of manure. With Revo winning the rucks, and more importantly, Dukesy, Qui Le, and Damo Judd storming around the field like ants on energisers, the boys in Red had established a commanding lead at half time, 59-13.

As the shade came over the field so did a change come over the match in the third quarter. Dave O’Shea started to cause more havoc than a flatulent elephant at a dainty dinner party while Heater who threw his body in with all the desperation of a deserted island shipwrecked victim confronted with the Penthouse Pet of the Year in all her photographic glory. All of a sudden, the Whites had their tails up like Arabs on a scavenger hunt and were within 20 points of the Reds at lemon-time.

Umpire Rocket does a lot more than just watch the ball.

The Whites were playing with all the discipline of the overseer of a Sultan’s harem. With Mega-Jetta combining the pace of a thousand gazelles and the elusiveness of a soapy eel to slip away from opponents and Roscoe McRae getting more marks than the Pope in a catechism test, the Whites got within a kick.

BUT then Super Dukesy came back onto the ball. This bloke runs like a greyhound, flies like an eagle and kicks like a mule. He bought his team-mates back into the game and together with Reb, Nat Payne who is so thin he could hide in the shadow of a Bic pen and Bustling Billy leaping around like a rhino with haemorrhoids after the ball, the Reds steadied – and following a booming torpedo goal from Damo, ran out winners by ten points.

Umpires votes:

3. Dukesy (Reds) – delivered the ball to his team-mates by hand and foot with the unerring precision of a Micky Mouse watch and initiated more devastating attacks than Genghis Khan

2. Fabulous Phil Ghasseb (Whites) – who is so tough he uses a crowbar as a tooth pick and so mean he won’t allow a dog a drink from a mirage was superb in defence.

1. Revo (Reds) – attacked the ball with the fanatical desperation of Phil Johns in a bar of love hungry maidens at 2 am and won the rucks despite giving away more inches than Errol Flynnn

Footnote:

*”Rocket’s Rave” was the name of the club notes for the Wagga Uni Bushpigs in the Central Riverina League Record thirty years ago. The forces of political correctness have conspired to eradicate the racist, sexist and political nonsense that I once wrote. I used to be able to label it “undergraduate humour”. It has been uplifting as an elephant on ant bed to write a “retro-report”.

Now, it’s over to Polldaddy…

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